"That's Life, Strelka and Belka. Maybe we are here to experience people as a reason for love."

A mind that floats aimlessly. Dealing with anxiety by avoiding it, freezing like a deer on the middle of the road. Tired, I wish I had stayed home today. That I could just rot in bed all day. Yesterday, Mom asked me if I was alright and I replied 'no' mostly (?) joking - Cassandra feeling. While scrolling on Tiktok, found myself on a video made by one of the city institutes. In the screen, I was floating on my back, the sea lapping at my middle and arms, eyes closed and face turned upwards, to the sky. My skin got all prickly after the seconds it took to recognize myself and the minutes of denial that followed - a mix of anger, awe, shyness and everything in between.

My wisdom tooth hurts, chewing cucumber only on the right side of my mouth. Creating OCs look-alikes on Tomodachi Life. Had a scare with my 3DS, but it works fine while at homme. Hair washing, oily bangs.

Holiday, online classes. Dad read a message wrong and we arrived to a party expecting lunch when there was none - had to head back home after making up an excuse. Downloaded Tomodachi Life on my 3DS as I can't play the new one, got reminded how much I enjoyed playing Corpse Party and that I stil need to finish it. Designing, avoiding thinking about upcoming exams. A bottle of holy water I am reserving for letters - for good luck. Eating this specific brand of crackers for dinner for the second day in a row. No exercise, still. Need to finish watching the second part of Solaris (1972) with Dad.

Busy working in commissions, studying, at mass. I wish I could wake up earlier on Sundays, but the dread of later practice exams would make it worse to wait. I was also supposed to bath Benny this morning, but forgot, and woke up too late. Drawing more, difficulty writing, feeling stagnant. No communion for weeks, which makes me feel a variety of things. Sweet herb and chamomile cha, calming smell while I wait for it to cool. I had no desire to do well today, Math questions were answered randomly as I focused on sitting longer than I wanted. I want to (need to) start exercising again, it feels forever since I rode my bike last. Had theraphy after weeks without yesterday, and they were repairing the AC, so to a different room, cramped and with no windows. Laying down on the bed, a subject for my brother to practice his liver examination before his test tomorrow. No live classes on Tuesday - finally some time for myself. I want to add more stuff to the site, but I did not had the opportunity, maybe soon. St. George's day approaches rapidly.

High tide, sand filled bag. A shell with a hole in the middle thrown back into the ocean. Teenager's laughter as they were lifted by the waves. Levigação. Tanned skin. The urge to write but failing to do so. I still need to watch Whisper of The Heart for the first time this year. A dream about being an unsuitable Benny owner, and unbecoming friend. Yesterday, Dad bought me a box of microwavable petit gateau despite Mom calling me fat. Leopard seals scare me - they are way too big.

Waiting for Mass to start, a janitor walked past me with a heart design shaved into his hair. Two pigeons on the metal railings after hours sitting solving math and science problems. Trying to find stars but the sky was pitch black. Brother rode me to the course today - on the way, I recited prayers again and again, fingers strongly caressing the engravings on George's pendant. Father Paul's homily made me humble again. Phanthom of The Opera soundtrack on the way home, at night (car's CD player) - "Love me, that's all I ask of you". Marked down on the calendar, blue: Confessions on the 17th. Mistakenly wrote 2025.

Back hurting from sitting on the classroom wooden desks. Golden wheat drawing that takes my attention away from Chemistry Class. Clair de Lune 6:30 AM alarm. Aunt D came to visit, but Dad only got back after she was already gone. The coffee left in the freezer to cool off in the morning turned solid.

"When the moon hits your eye
Like a big-a pizza pie
That's amore"

Currently listening to:
- To All of You by Syd Matters
- This Is Where I Belong by Bryan Adams
- That's Amore by Dean Martin

Submmited some poems for a competition. Killer headache, no dinner. During class, one girl sitting beside me noticed my Haikyuu pencil case brochures and I, tongue-tied, just pointed at it wordlessly before replying. Bleeding. Unproductive.

Going to get a fork near the pool that fell out the window when Dad was washing the dishes. Benny brought three pieces of bone to my room, chewing on the rug. Annoyed by mosquitoes while trying to sleep in the afternoon despite setting up the fan.

Winning seven domino games in a row after losing the first one (learning). A whole lunchbox-worthy feijoada that got me full for two days. A big, yellow moon hanging on top of the ocean. Mock test Sunday. Walked with Benny for the second time late at night because he kept barking. Singing broken Spirit songs in Portuguese with Brother after dinner. Writing, only if a little. “If I take too long, who knows what punishment he'll come up with? If you leave a mind like that alone for too long, it only creates trouble...”

Raining water day and night, calming sounds of pit pat. A notification from Rafayel about my upcoming time of the month. Hazy brain, tired. Benny peed near the refrigerator this morning, despite having a pet mat a few feet away and my mother's reckless driving makes me afraid we might crash. I miss my curly hair. Unable to write. Feeling smoke-y, like I’m drifting away, atoms that won’t hold together. Nightmares. A dream about orcas and manta rays. It does not feel like it's March already. "It's good that you feel somehow bad about it. It means you want to change."

Feeling tired all the time, very tired. Had to wake up early on Saturday for online classes that I did not manage to pay attention to. Today almost drowned, the waves far too strong, weather cloudy and windy. Scrapped knees from the sand when I fell. A Humming Bird from the kitchen window and a white pidgeon walking on the pedestrian crossing. In the car going back home from Mass, the windows speckled with rain droplets that resembled stars. The lyrics of Red Rock Woman by Young Spirit stuck in my head.

Falling asleep during the first two classes of the day. When I checked my notes after, my handwriting was atrocious. Taking pictures of the board instead picking up the pen. All day, the way the light always shines directly on the Ipad screen makes me mad. Realized my tights are getting thicker compared to when I did ballet, comparing myself to the other girls by the gap between our legs.

Reading Nabokov and crying.

My sweetheart, my love, my love, my love—do you know what—all the happiness of the world, the riches, power and adventures, all the promises of religions, all the enchantment of nature and even human fame are not worth your two letters. It was a night of horror, terrible anguish, when I imagined that your undelivered letter, stuck at some unknown post office, was being destroyed like a sick little stray dog . . . But today it arrived—and now it seems to me that in the mailbox where it was lying, in the sack where it was shaking, all the other letters absorbed, just by touching it, your unique charm and that that day all Germans received strange wonderful letters—letters that had gone mad because they had touched your handwriting. The thought that you exist is so divinely blissful in itself that it is ridiculous to talk about the everyday sadness of separation—a week’s, ten days’—what does it matter? since my whole life belongs to you. I wake at night and know that you are together with me,—I sense your sweet long legs, your neck through your hair, your trembling eyelashes—and then such happiness, such simmering bliss follows me in my dreams that I simply suffocate . . .

TO: 29, Neue Winterfeldtstr., Berlin—Schöneberg [Zoppot] from Letters to Véra by Vladimir Nabokov

What are you doing now? For some reason I think you’re in the study: you’ve got up, walked to the door, you are pulling the door wings together and pausing for a moment—waiting to see if they’ll move apart again. I’m tired, I’m terribly tired, good night, my joy. Tomorrow I’ll write you about all kinds of everyday things. My love.

[TO: Berlin] 3–VII[I]–24 [Prague?] 1 from Letters to Véra by Vladimir Nabokov

Past midnight, hands wet,

I clean the spoons and kneel to

Wipe down the spilled sauce

In the afternoon, while I was playing LADS and trying to study something, since I had spent all day yesterday watching a drama about cooking, my mother invited me to go swimming with a couple of friends who were visiting. At first, I didn't want to go because I'm a homebody and wanted to finish the game and Hades I, but I ended up accepting. At first I wanted to take my bike with me, though later gave up the idea, as it was too much work and they would probably not take too long.

When we got there, we quickly realized that the beach was much more crowded than usual because of the holiday, but the water was refreshing and the sun was at the perfect height. After going deeper into the sea, leaving my mother and her friend in the shallow part, and going where there were fewer people than on the beach, I suddenly thought I would like to have someone to share that moment with; someone to swim with me in the ocean while the sunset bathed the water with light like a mirror.

This hypothetical person would accompany me to the end of the pier and back, and we could spend some time alone in the deep water near the rocks, talking and gossiping with our floats between us, our faces close and wet, as if we were the only people in the world.

Currently listening to:
- Carving Time - LADS OST
- Xote dos Cabeludos by Luís Gonzaga

A dream about orcas and belugas swimming in the harbour and rivers of my old town. Weird machines. Carnaval Holiday, no therapy yesterday. Writing.

"He stops, and finds himself desolate at the top of the platform, all these strange and unknown people seemingly far away. Issa, alone on the shore Issa struggles to show his gut to the world.

Issa, who was nothing before Uzushiō and now has to live without it."

Uzumaki Issa (OC) from Whale Rider by littlewren (me)

Catarse + Epifania = Clarisse Lispector.

Lackluster poetry. Dealing with grief, mourning [mourn·ing — /ˈmôrniNG/ — noun — the expression of deep sorrow for someone who has died, typically involving following certain conventions such as wearing black clothes.‎] The LADS merch for the Ita bag arrived yesterday — not brave enough to bring the Caleb plushie to class. A Fome by Rodolfo Teófilo, Os Retirantes by Portinari. Stalling the writing of a comment.

"I won't just appear in every corner. I want to count the morning dewdrops on the balcony with this house's beautiful, kind owner. At noon, I wanna playfully argue in the kitchen about how much cilantro and green onions use, and later watch the starts twinkle outside together."

Rafayel from Love and Deepspace - Source: Home Together [Harmony]

"If you find any intriguing trinckets, you can send them back with your letters — I will display them on my desk. It'll be as though I'm traveling with you as we make the most out of spring. When savoring fresh tea, I'll wonder where you're resting, which clear spring you've drank water from. While reading documents, I'll wonder if you broke a willow's branch on your journey as soon as I see the lush willows outside my window. I don't need objects as reminders, I'll always think of you."

Zayne from Love and Deepspace - Source: Event: Time's Banquet, Floral Invite

Hanging from the chamomile tea bag in the morning since there was no coffee: “A cheerful heart is good medicine. / O coração alegre serve de bom remédio.” - PROVERBS 17:22. Later, received an arco-íris letter. Mom was watching Train Dreams by Clint Bentley, a movie I want to add to my own to-watch list.

"I didn't call you to share tidbits of everyday happenings, but to tell you that the bird reminded me of you."

Rafayel from Love and Deepspace - Source: Videocall [The Bird]

Going to a anime convention alone, peaceful. Cried at therapy yesterday. Construction noise all day long. During lunch got tear-eyed - went to open the fridge to hide it. Started to study again, and again.

Watching shark shows on TV with Dad - comparing Megalodons to Whites.

Woken up by construction noise and then burying my head bellow my pillow. Rain season has come. Spending money on LADS merch that I don't need in order to make an itabag. Disappointment, Back To The Old House. Escapism. I want to write poems again. "People leave this things behind once they become adults. No one spends their time with things like that after they grow up."

Currently listening to:
- All I Ask of You from The Phantom of The Opera
- Point of No Return from The Phantom of The Opera

:))) i really wanted to write [ ] in a slice of life setting !! he and [ ] have so much potential for slice of life and embodying the ache and resplendence and mundanity of just living. i would say most of my stories have a slice of life over/undertone. i just think there's so much beauty in the everyday. beyond the love we have for our romantic partners, the affection we hold for our friends and hopefully for ourselves. this was definitely a story i had a lot of fun with, i'm glad you liked it too :))

Currently listening to:
- Back To The Old House - 2011 Remaster by The Smiths
- Luiza by Tom Jobim
- 不了情 and 情人的眼淚 by Mei Tai

Dreamed of Michael and Ivy, moving to their state to work together. Later, three consecutive dreams featuring dogs - two German Shepards, a Saint Bernard, and Benny. The next night featured a horse.