I'm practically brain dead, but I have to study because I've been lying down since I got home. Yesterday I remembered that time during a holiday when we and my Aunt Bel and her children were staying at the resort and decided to watch an action film that I can't remember the name of. It was after midnight and her daughter, who is only six, was asleep. She and I were on an air mattress and my brother and cousin were on the sofa. Then we saw a cockroach coming towards us and started screaming to find it, but it had gone under the sofa. The boys got the gal to say they'd seen it before, but didn't say anything because of the film. Of course they didn't! They weren't the ones on the floor. We spent at least thirty minutes looking for it and found another three cockroaches... The worst/best part was that the film had ten minutes left when we paused it. We finished it all on the couch, like sardines, too scared of the floor, with our feet up.
This week has been very busy. My college classes started on Monday and I was almost late for the lecture hall because Mom couldn't find a place to park near the train station. Yesterday we had to take Benny to the vet because he had an infected gland, but luckily he's improved and probably won't need surgery, although he was tricked into taking the medicine with his lunch. The last few days have been full of getting up early, going to the train/subway, van, class, van, train, car, lunch and sleeping through exhaustion - I haven't had time to do anything else. Today at least school finished early, at 10am, but Dad had to rush off and couldn't have lunch with me because Mom is in hospital. She had to repeat her operation from last month and decided to stay in hospital for another day, which annoyed my dad as he has to be home for work. Also, for the first time I decided to cut off meat during lent. It's been an experience.
So now I'm alone in the flat with Benny. It's probably not going to be possible to go cycling today or to the local gym, which I've been planning for a week, because of the constant rain. I got mud all over my shoes and trousers as I left the station, but at least I managed to get a seat on the van, unlike Monday when I had to wait for the second round. Now I know which train to take to get there early, and the silence and air conditioning are nice when you ignore the lack of sleep. I have to stay awake if I don't want to miss my stop.
At the college, the classes so far have been pretty introductory, but the people I've met so far are nice. Today, in the van, I started talking to a girl, Camila, who's been with me for half the train/subway ride, and we talked about the kinds of books and series we like and what we think of the teachers so far. It was nice. In class, the teacher made us introduce ourselves and say why we chose the course. Unfortunately, I hate introductions because they make me super nervous and I don't really know what to say. I ended up talking about my experience of jailbreaking my 3ds, my cousin who's doing a PhD in cs, and my web design here, where I only know html and css.
I'm physically and mentally very tired and my phone is still having problems with the humidity and refusing to charge. I haven't had any sailing lessons this week and I'm not going to - we'll have to reschedule them for Thursday and the weekend. All in all, I'm very very tired - but still alive.
THINGS TO REMEMBER:
- do not check you phone for the 'last time' late at night - you will dream of broken hearts.
Cried myself to sleep. Why I am not enough and will I ever be? How many times it has to happen the same way for me to stop trying? I want to be myself but I don't like me. I spend time reading to stop thinking about my life. I don't like my life right now. I want to cry again or go cycling to that new place with strong waves and salt rain, but I can't. Maybe tomorrow. I am tenderhearted and the world is made of sharp hands. A chicken's heart is so small. How much smaller a wren's would be? Maybe there's not enough space for everyone there. Dog, when did you stop caring about me? I bet you don't even think about me now the way I do about you. I know you don't. I still use watches most of the time, did you know? I would sleep with them, and Brother would make fun of me. Sometimes I want to laugh at myself like at a clown.
"Your worst sin is that you destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing." - Crime and Punishment, Fyodor Dostoevsky
Me and Brother went to the beach yesterday and spent time in the sun and chatting in a salt-water-natural-pool & hunting baby crabs by the oyster's reef. He didn't want to go, as usual, but Mom managed to convince him before I left. Dad almost wouldn't let me go swimming when I went to get the float in the back room, afraid I'd drown-I was really angry at that moment. This Sunday we woke up early to go to mass and I sang the psalm for the first time. It had been a while since Priest D asked me to sing, but I always felt more comfortable reading the prayers. Everything worked out in the end, even though I was really nervous the night before-we had to wake up early despite going to bed after midnight due to Dad and I watching the South Korean Netflix series The Trauma Code: Heroes on Call for three days straight.
I rode my bike for a while, and explored further than what I'm used to. A few days ago, I found this place on the beach near the Englishmen Bridge where the waves are so strong that when they hit the stone walls they wet the entire ground on the other side, like a spray of salty rain. I think the water there is cleaner, and I even saw people surfing, so next time I'll go there again. Also, my period finally came-I was a bit worried because mine is so irregular. That at least explains why I was in such a mood these days and my Kitkat craving.
I've been working on a new website layout for the past few weeks, though I know that I will get tired of it soon. The more I decorate and put on colors the more I want to change it.
No progess on my fic, still the same 400 words. My phone has been giving me problems with humidity. During a shower, I realized how I miss ballet class. I am using this carnaval holiday to rest. I made curry, which was already eaten. I turn twenty next month & I don't feel like that at all-it makes me afraid. Recently, I feel like I'm drifting away.
I woke up from a rape nightmare this morning. Felt such disgust for my body, a guilt that I don't realy know how to describe. Last year, I thought that a guy was following me at the beach, and while my heart was pounding, I stood up straight and let the adrenaline rush through my muscles until he passed me by. It made me remember the time I almost got run over by a bus in seventh grade-I couldn't think straight for a while, fingers cold and legs like lead, and fake-smiled until people stopepd asking me if I was fine. (dumb and stupid, why didn't you look both sides before crossing?)
I hate it when my hair gets dirty after a few days of washing-my face gets oily & it bothers me a lot. Today I took a shower that was icingcold. My feet crack when I squatter and my kee joits pop when I move after getting out of bed & I still don't have the urge to go out. I'm not a bird, more a turtle nowadays. Slow and hiding. I feel like I'm stuck at the same place and my room is starting to feel like a cell. It's no ones fault but mine.
My brother went back to the countryside yesterday and I didn't even noticed until this morning.
Last week I used my city's metro for the first time. I've been listening to 'hold them down' from the epic musical over and over-villains song always manage to be the best ones of the track. This saturday Mom almost ran over our priest. I always write what I want to do here, like a prayer, almost-Saint George, let me be happy; God, I need to be better; What should I do? How I make myself want? I want, I need, wantneed, Forgivemeforgivemeforgiveme
The last time I prayed at home I touched my head on the matress and teared up. How long it has been since I let myself cry?
I want to go to that place near the rocks again.
