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18th Jul, 2025 - Why??

Why must all Bruce Lee movies have at least one pair of boobs being shown on the screen out of the blue??? It's a very weird situtation watching it with your parents... You can clearly tell they were written by a shallow man, because the female characters have little to no depth, many of them being prostitutes and one main romantic interest - all of them sexualized and in love with the protagonist, of course. There was a really gross joke about a uncle hitting on his daughter... Still, the action scenes are mostly great, and it's fun. Too many boobs though, and I keep seeing the same actors on three different films.



17th Jul, 2025 — PLANS





16th Jul, 2025 — Excerpt From A Letter

My test, which you prayed for, did go well in the end, even though I really thought that I’d flunked it – got just graded enough to pass, and I am super relieved that I won't have to take the finals on Friday. No more waking up at five in the morning, at last!

I went to my aunt’s place on Monday, after messaging her to ask if she and my cousins wanted to go watch the new Superman (          !!!!!) movie that came out in the cinema, & it escalated to her inviting me to go exercise with her, spend time together, and swim in the complex pool. It’s been a while since we all hung out – the last time being when we went to see the last Tom Cruise movie, which we only saw from middle to end, being super late to the session. She is traveling tomorrow, to her grandma's funeral. She died from diabetes, I think; I first heard it from Dad, who complained about how Mom wanted him to buy funeral flowers when the whole thing wasn't scheduled with the cemetery, while on the car ride back home.

Getting home pretty late, I didn’t get the chance to properly wash my hair, and that’s why I went to the beach on Tuesday morning. The water was refreshingly cold annnnd the sun strong, Icarus-feeling – its warmth seeps within my bones and burns my skin. Beside me on the sand, a group was having handball classes, loud and exciting, they would take breaks by going into the sea.

Yesterday, I spent the whole day trying to resize the disk partition on my notebook – Fedora, my Linux distro, only had 17 GB and it kept notifying me of low memory, to a point where I couldn't even download a simple archive. I had to watch a bunch of youtube videos, backup my windows files, delete Windows from the Dual-Boot, download an app called Gparted (which was pretty difficult because of the lack of memory), learn how to use it, find a flashdrive to install the Live version so I could resize the Fedora disk and wait for three hours until it got done. But I succeeded!

Also, I was craving popcorn yesterday, but after making it with a lot of butter there was a small piece of corn stuck partially inside one of my back gums, and it was driving me mad. So I got my brother to help me, and it was like I was in a dentist's office, with him operating my mouth – it was funny, I kept laughlin and we had to stop, so I had to close my eyes.

Dad also got a new streaming service, pirated, and it had all the Twilight movies with surprisingly good quality, so me and Mom will be watching them soon. Being realistic, both Jacob and Edward are pretty toxic, but I prefer Jacob because he does not come with the blood-drinking drama and having to watch people grow old around you. Bella too, was not a good example of sanity. I forgot to tell you, but my pins I ordered last month arrived, the Miya twins from Haikyuu!, baby Naruto, Yuuji from Jujutsu Kaisen and Esnupi.





3rd Jul, 2025 — Excerpt From A Letter

When I saw your site update I got curious and searched for Winter Light (1963) on Google and was surprised to recognize the actor from one of my all images, “God's silence”. I feel like it represents a lot of what's been going on recently. I'm on the lowest part of the closeness to God = sin(x).

(It’s a bit funny, that seno spells sin in English. I didn't realize it before.)

Did you like the movie? From what I read it's also a priest one, right? It seems like a good one, perhaps I'll watch it when I'm less busy — this July my schedule is as colorful as a rainbow, although at least the semester is ending soon.

This weekend was full of rain. Saturday it poured the whole day, a steady stream of water falling from the cloudy sky with no sunrays coming through. It made me very sleepy and unmotivated, so I spent the day laying in bed, reading Korean webcomics on pirate sites.

As of now, I'm writing this letter during class and I'm happy to tell you that I got an 8/10 on my latest Discrete Mathematics test. Still, I hope I can get enough grades this month so I don't have to do the final exams.

Yesterday, Flamengo, our soccer team, played against Baya. It was during Mass time, so I could only watch the second part of the match. Afterwards, I went to where my father was watching the game, a bar/restaurant full of people wearing red and black. We still lost, but it was a good game — we don't need to win every time.

I really liked the video you recommended — watched it three times, even! The last time was when I showed it to Dad, and now we keep talking about the “biotic organism chicken cage”. On the train ride back home, seated, across from where I was there was a guy with a yellow Esnupi (Snoopy) shirt with the print “DON'T PANIC!”. Since we've started talking I feel like I've become fond of this little dog that I didn't care much about before. Today, I decided to get on another wagon than the one I usually choose, the first one. Now, I'm more in the middle of the ‘biotic- system- people- train’ and I can only hope that it helps me get to the van faster, being more near the station's stairs. It rained today on the morning car ride, but no sign of rainbows like yours, just a lot of water and heavy clouds.

I was sick yesterday, or as sick as you can get from a cold that escalated because of AC. My nose kept running and I only sat down on my desk to study at eight, but at least I did something (small victories). Recently, I am getting in the habit of drinking tea, the ones made from these pellets that look like hamster food. Do you like tea? I am partial to lemon.

Last night, Dad, Mom and I watched an old movie about some guys trying to rob a casino in Mihwack (?), dressed as Santa. I only got to see the final half of it, but it was good, I guess. Have you seen it before?

I haven't written more of my story since we last talked, though I'm getting a bit of plot points done. It's a big indecision of mine, to plan everything or just write it freestyle. Sometimes I feel like planning kills the mystery spark of the story, and that not planning leads to motivation dying a few chapters in from lack of structure. One day, I want to be able to write like Nabokov or this Archive of Our Own author that I really like, Whiskey, who writes Batman DC fanfiction. All in all, I appreciate good prose above almost everything.

For the past few days, the construction noise has been steadily increasing. It makes me wonder how the birds here manage it, if it bothers them too much. From the kitchen window, when I’m washing dishes after lunch, it’s common to see small green parrots playing and fighting each other, until they fly away.

I need to study a lot today — I have a very important test tomorrow, which made me postpone my dentist appointment. Yesterday, Bebenny poop all over my bedroom floor.







22th Jun, 2025 — Excerpt From A Letter

Somehow, it has become incredibly difficult to write recently, be it letters or fiction — the draft for Fishermen’s Benefits is left gathering dust, in the metaphorical sense of the phrase. Also, one of my betas cannot help me anymore, and it made it all more harder. I miss talking to you, are you alright? How was your trip to the aquarium? Last week I went to the mall with dad, the same one of the boyclarisseangel, & the state of the ones there was embarrassing to say the least.

I wanted to write earlier, but with each passing day it was like I was buried in a deeper hole — the guilt of not writing kept me from writing, what an oxymoron, right?

This Thursday was a holiday, Corpus Christ, and they assimilated it with Friday's, so it was all a very calming weekend. It has also rained a lot, which is uncommon for this time of the year — the rain period normally stops at the end of March. Yesterday the temperature dropped to 24 Celsius, making me stay the whole day hiding beneath my covers in bed, reading Jujutsu Kaisen fanfiction. It was great. Have you seen another movie since we last talked? I started Whisper of the Heart, but haven't finished it yet.

When I went to the beach on Friday, I saw a girl with a cat, dressed for a quincenera (i think that's what they call it in spanish), her fifteen year old party photos. After sunbathing, I bought a coconut and watched volleyball games.

Did you know Botafogo winned against PSG recently? My parents and brother screamed the whole game, the victory was truly a surprise. Yesterday Flamengo (our team) also won against another European soccer team, which I watched with them, a very emotional affair as always.

My mom brought rambutan, probably because I asked her about it, after hearing your letter. I like it, though it's difficult to eat it completely. Still prefer jabuticaba, though.



26th Jun, 2025 — Excerpt From A Letter

Did you know that I have a scar on my chin? When we were around five or six, my brother and I wanted to climb the walls just like Spiderman, so we would scramble around the doorway, “X”-folding our bodies. After getting bored by the simplicity of the task, we decided that it would be a good idea for him to help me get higher by getting on his shoulders, which led me to falling and bleeding on the kitchen floor. On our way to the hospital, our nanny sat with me on her lap with a pajama shirt stopping the bleeding, and the only thing I focused on at that point was that I was riding on the front seat.

I haven't been listening to new songs lately, or any music at all. Though, recently I’ve been putting the Davy Jones Theme from Pirates of The Caribbean and other epic/trailer versions of songs on the background while I write Fishermen’s Benefits. Some time ago, last month I think, I came across this video, ANCIENT EGYPTIAN LOVE SONG by Peter Pringle, and I found it really cool. (PS: Listened to Will Ye Go Lassie Go, that I discovered that can also be called Wild Mountain Thyme, on the train ride to the campus this morning).

Yesterday I realized that I lost one of my ladybug earrings. I recall faintly using only one a day and telling myself to remember to put them together afterwards. So, because of that I am now going out with simple golden “balls/circles (?)” & my jaw has been hurting since I got home, my wisdom teeth ache and stop and ache again (after some ice, the pain went down a notch). I will have another dentist appointment soon, after the discovery that it was not normal to not receive a retainer after getting braces off, which caused my front teeth to get crooked sideways (that I noticed only recently).

As for insecurities, one thing I like about Sakura from Naruto is that she has a big forehead like me, even though I have bangs now. At the station they get blown all over the place because the wind there is super strong & it’s a bit annoying to have to fix them all the time. One part of the Chūnnin Exams that I like is [SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] when Pakkun bites Shikamaru to wake him up, and Gaara’s shrill voice acting when Sasuke manages to draw blood during the finals. [END OF SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!] The Gaara x Rock Lee fight is pretty neat and famous too, and if you can or haven’t already, watch the Linkin Park music with the fight on Youtube — every Naruto fan knows about it, kind of a rite of passage.







10th Jun, 2025 — Comparison Is The Thief Of All Joy



I wrote today, but don't like the words I put on the document. For me, I cannot force it, having to let it lay untouched until a sort of holy creativity strickes me suddenly. It was rushed, I fear. Two pages that will fade into obscurity, if they are not removed entirely soon. I wish my English was better, so I could put all the feelings readily on the page, without having to think of grammar too much. Maybe, it's the lack of sleep. I run from it, the contentment of rest, even though I know better. Comparison, comparison, comparison. I hate it. I truly do. Sometimes, I want to take on a boat to sea and never be seen again, shilded from any further embarrasment, like one of the man at the end of Band of Brothers, who I can't recall the name of. Is it really worth it, to spend my time like this? I does not feel that way. I am getting older and I feel as if I haven't acomplished anything. I need to get out of this place, be far away from here. The sensation of mud swallowing me whole, no air left. I hate it. But, at the end of the day, I am held back by inaction — unable to be freed from it by shackles made by my own mind.

Nabokov said that nostalgia is one thousand tender emotions. I feel like tender is too soft of a word — nostalgia recently feels like a sharp blade that I don't notice until its slowly path finally manages to pierce my heart. Ironically, I like this rambling better than any other text I've put together during the past few days. Writing, too, can be a thief of joy.



7th Jun, 2025 — The Sum of All Our Parts

Woke up at 7:30, watching videos on Youtube until 10:20. Studying until 12:00. Lunch. Videos and fanfiction until 14:00. More studying for Monday's test. Bought sweets. More studying. 10110110 + 01011001 = 100001111. Guilt. Benny rests on my lap as I write SystemVerilog circuits. One more homework list left. Waiting for the sweets to arrive. 16:29. The sun is setting, shinning on the orange side of the building I can see from my window. The sound of birds. Earlier, someone was playing a really cool guitar solo. Too afraid to start writing. The opening line haunts me.



5th Jun, 2025 — Excerpt From a Letter

Dear      ,

I hope you are doing well. I am feeling better already, from the awful feelings hormones can give us. I am glad you are alright. I've been thinking of you too, recently.

Today, after a test and staying at the campus during the afternoon, I got home with a papaya sapling. I really like plants, despite almost always killing them with my neglect. My legs hurt from lack of exercise, so I want to go to the beach tomorrow. I am tired but not very. I went to bed a bit late last night, studying.

Yesterday, Mom and I laid on her bed and bought some things online, which I never really do. I think I needed a bit of a good feeling that came with purchases. The downside is that I keep checking the tracking app frantically, all the time, anxious. I forgot my campus pass card today. It's probably the second or third time it has happened.

I've been trying to write more, but my creativity or more like my will is slowly decreasing, though I still like to brainstorm ideas. I miss you, but not in a bad way. In a good way. There has been some muggings on my street the past few weeks. It's a bit isolated from the main, so there's that. One of the many things I hate here.

I started watching Whisper of the Heart again & stopped during the train scene, before she (Shizuku) enters the wagon, while descending the stairs. Maybe it's the same architecture everywhere, but I was shocked my the similarity to my own path.

Also, I've cut my bangs a bit shorter than I usually do, higher than my eyebrows, so I am feeling like Audrey Hepburn, the actress.

I ATE MY

RAMEN

AND I SLEPT WELL!

I'M AT FULL POWER!!!



27th May, 2025 — Excerpt From a Letter

Mister            ,

Being quite together sounds like an amazing time. It reminded me of a homily I heard a long time ago, when Priest D          talked about how we shouldn't just pray for things, health, asking God and speaking to Him all the time. That it is also good to sit in silence with Him. When I stay on my phone before going to sleep, my brain feels overwhelmed and it’s impossible to rest, a tornado of thoughts.

When I was a kid, both my brother and I had a bug net. It would hang from the canopy, like the old beds from princess movies with the curtains surrounding them. In my apartment we have (and probably still have) a termite infestation. They had completely taken over our furniture. There would be wood grains on the ground everywhere & I couldn't even use my desk lamp during the afternoon/night because they would swarm me.

Last week, during service, I thought that I didn't want to go to church anymore, looking around and just seeing old people and a couple of adults with their toddlers. There’s no teens or young adults like me there & I felt so discouraged, truly out of place.

I don’t think I have proper friends. I talk to some people, share a laugh sometimes, get to know them a bit & that’s it—it’s all superficial to be honest. It’s probably my fault, as I don’t let myself get too close to them, sitting alone on my phone.

Throughout the day my eyes kept getting wet, but it was when my cousin (who is almost the same age as my mother) asked me if she could take Benny to her house so he could be with other dogs and touch some grass that I was really considering letting the tears fall.

I am a people pleaser, so I told her when she asked permission, yes, but I really didn’t want to. I really didn’t. Am I a bad owner, for not wanting him to go? Am I being selfish? She talked to me about what I had told my mother before, & I could see she was asked to do it. I am not dumb, even though I am a fool. A smile can truly hide everything, social niceties and all. If I say that I am fine, who will have the courage to look me in the eye and tell me I am lying?

I am catholic, have been since forever. I wouldn't be a help regarding choosing between christianity branches, only having attended protestant (evangelical) mass (we call them cultos here, but not in a bad way) two times, after being invited by a friend. I’ve always seen icons, besides their importance as holy symbols, as pieces of art. Once, while visiting a huge church named after Mary, I saw a life-size copy of the Pietà, by Michelangelo. It was beautiful.

Before our fight, when we went to the mall where I took the picture of the boyclariceangel, I told my mother that at this point I wanted to have a boyfriend just so he could take me out on a date, so I could get out of our house without having my parents accompanying me — some time alone.



23th May, 2025 — Cycle

My productivity boost has finally ended and the end of my luteal period is around the corner. Since I downloaded a menstrual cycle app I feel like I've gotten to know myself better, because eveything we feel is tied to our hormones. Sad out of the blue? Emotionally swole? Envious? That's all the chemicals ("You and I are complicated, but we're made of elements"). I had a test today, for Discreet Maths (again) & I don't think I did well. That's because I decided to study just yesterday (THINGS TO REMEMBER, item 11.). Even though I only had to wake up today at eight, I got up at six, and revised for a while. Cramming is a horrible habit of mine.

Also, I've been aching all over because I went to the beach gym (free!) on Wednesday afternoon. It was cool, at least that day, and after exercising I got to lay down on the beach for a while during the sunset, with a really cold coconut. Earlier this week I got the sudden urge to chop my hair in a bob, but I am still uncertain, even though I really want to change a bit to reflect more my actual age in appearence — I feel like long hair makes me look like a teenager.

Getting my writing reviewed is always a tough experience, specially because I am not that proficient in English. I need to read more classics, honestly. At least I made a rough timeline for the Naruto fanfic. I will have to edit the draft pretty heavily, which I am not excited for. I am really tired (as always); I will try to sleep earlier today, so I can get up tomorrow morning and walk on the beach for a while, get a bit of sun.

Lately, I've been feeling like a worm curled up in a ball.



13th May, 2025 — Excerpt From a Letter

I am writing this on my way to the campus, a bit later than usual, because my alarm didn't go off this morning. The usual is happening — I had a test yesterday that made me sleep late, which made me nap through the afternoon, making me study late today for the other. Dad thought I was already awake by 6:11 AM because Benny was outside my room, but I had let him out earlier, as he keeps waking me before I am supposed to get up.

I can't wait to get home today and sleep — I am really tired, my brain feeling too big for my skull and mouth’s tasting funny — just like the Surfjan Stevens’ song So You Are Tired, “So you are tired as the sun”. Here we don't say that the sun rises, rather, we say "              ” (the sun is born). It is even more tiring, I guess, to be born everyday.

I'm glad you liked the picture — it was thinking of you while I chose it, so maybe it'll be super extra special. As for your question, I have only ridden a horse once & it was a white mare sprinkled with gray spots named            (Smoke) when I was around nine, in              . Though, if I would have to choose a favorite type of horse it would be the full red or black ones. I also like Appaloosas. Have you heard of the Arabian Horse? They are funny looking. Growing up, one of my favorite movies was Spirit, the Disney’s one — I still have some of the songs memorised.

I had to think a bit about my favorite Psalm, because I am actually currently reading Proverbs. From the few I’ve studied (NIV), 37, 39 & 40 have been very impactful. Also, I like to recite Psalm 23 when I am going to get water in the kitchen at night, if that counts.



5th May, 2025 — Excerpt From a Letter

This afternoon, I fell asleep after doing some homework that I’ve been neglecting since last month & after laying on the cold floor with Bebenny. Surprisingly, for the first time in a long while I am feeling rested. I do this with him since I was a kid getting back from school, spending time with my spine stretched on a carpet & looking at the ceiling—though Benny will let you know that he does not appreciate if you stop petting him by licking your face—which often makes me laugh like a child.

Fedora has been amazing so far because it’s very friendly, unlike Arch Linux—the boot time has decreased significantly & there are no annoying advertisements on my homepage anymore. My wallpaper now is a scene from Porco Rosso.

I won’t have classes today because all of my professors are on a meeting with the faculty. Because of that I was able to go cycling today, & managed to take some pictures that I wanted to send to you. I like to sit on the rocks in the sun with the wind in my ears & all thoughts dispersed—it’s all very therapeutic.

The water, when was hit by the sun, turned a lovely shade of blue. Now, at home after showering, I will have to finish my papers & study for the next week tests (four of them! Just thinking about it makes me sad...). I will pray for you tonight      , may we be always looked after by George!

(On my last letter to               I also mentioned going to the beach, but I didn’t have my camera at the time. If I’m being honest, the ocean that afternoon was even prettier than the one this morning.)



18th April, 2025 — Excerpt From a Letter (Holy Friday)

              ,

I had a test yesterday, for Discrete Mathematics. It was supposed to be last Wednesday, but the professor delayed it because he had a meeting that day, and we didn't have classes on Friday because of it. Instead, I had an ultrasound exam scheduled, and I had to wake up earlier to get to the clinic on time. I spent at least three hours there, for my bladder wasn't full enough. It's very uncomfortable, as you can imagine. Procrastinating the rest of the week, I only started studying on Friday, trickling down to the weekend— the whole duration of Sunday after church watching video classes until late at night.

When I woke up Monday morning & had to take the train, dozing in and out inside the car and on the wagon ride, I could only think about what you'd told me earlier, last month I think, about how when life hits, things out of the bound of necessity become unimportant. The test was good, for what I could tell. On the way back home I was reaffirming my will to sleep and rest when home, a dead-girl-walking, as Heathers would say. It wasn't meant to be. My afternoon was just about reading fanfiction and drawing, which it's still relaxing to me, though not so much for my brain. It did not help that I had drank a cup of coffee for breakfast, which refrained me from seamlessly falling asleep at 10 P.M.

Yesterday during Mass, Priest D         talked about how we should behave today as if we were still inside the church until Sunday. There was the ceremony of the procession with the Sacrament to Its resting place, accompanied by the sharp sound of metal hitting wood—I’d never seen it before so it was very interesting. Last week, they called for young people to represent the Apostles & I had my feet washed and kissed. My brother was supposed to do it too, but he didn’t want to, so they had to find someone else at the spot. Maybe I should feel something about that, the difference in treatment between him and I from my mother in such similar circumstances, though I'm too tired for that now. When I exited the church (chaplaincy inside a hospital) I could see the twinkling red star that I think it’s Mars, even if I'm not sure.

Today, I watched The Passion of the Christ by Mel Gibson with Brother and Dad.

I got a headache and Benny is sleeping on top of my pink flip flops. He came back from the salon looking like an over fed rat, funny looking grooming.



9th April, 2025 — prompts

I had a test on Monday, which I think I did quite well, even though I only studied for two days. My Sunday was just hours and hours of maths, which drove me crazy, and yesterday I slept through the whole afternoon after almost falling asleep on the train. To be honest, I'm still feeling tired, but at least my other exam has been moved to Monday, so I won't have to beat myself up too much. I was going to update this blog sooner, but not before I'd at least found my muse Ariadne's prompt acceptable—I find that two of my worst qualities in relation to my work are that I'm overly critical of myself & that I take too long to write. Recently I have had the urge to draw again, which I will do when I have the time, which is not now. The assignments are suffocating, but I won't have classes on Friday, Hallelujah. I will finally have the chance to wake up a bit later than usual, if Benny does not destroy my hopes as he has done every day since he started sleeping in my bedroom.

Things are slow here, in these arms of April. Sometimes, I feel like I'm living a life outside of myself, as if I'm undeserving of such tranquility. I don't recognize my body, or my brain who commands it—it's a weird sensation, and I almost give in to the urge to do something harsh to get out of the haze, but I won't. There's not much rain during the day, and the dawns are filled with puddles. My neck is always hurting—I need a new chair.



3rd April, 2025 — war againts birthdays

Today I have officially survived two decades. It sounds like a long time, but honestly I still feel like a baby. I don't think I've aged much mentally since I was fifteen or eighteen—the feeling of being a Dancing Queen never really goes away. Today the dates on the signs near the bus stops were more noticeable, the pixels rearranged to 03/04. I like to think I was born on a day made up of beautiful numbers. This morning Dad asked me if I felt any older and my answer was no, not really. I received the letters from IVy & MichaEl at the station & on the bench I hunched over my phone as if holding an injured bird—very carefuly & focused—while waiting for the train to arrive. My heart smiled widely. I didn't listen to music on the train today because I had a (Pre)-Calculus I test for which I felt under-prepared. I was anxious all morning—when I woke up the first thing on my mind was Oh, I have an exam today! & not Oh, it's my birthday today!. Camila remembered the date & wished me well, even telling my first class (programming) professor about it, despite my fear of this kind of social interaction, which uniquely draws attention to myself. I thought I would get a 6/10 on my PCI test, but to my surprise I got a 9.5/10! I was so afraid when I logged on to the college site tonight that I would be sad while going to sleep that I almost decided to just wait until tomorrow. I'm happy. I spoke to my mum & although things are still shaky, they are getting better; I also video called my brother for some time, who is my twin. He had a test today too, although he thinks he did badly. Dad and I got ice cream a couple of hours ago—lemon for me & chocolate + lemon for him (it was not a good combination) and got my brother some from when he comes home tomorrow—after a walk on the beach & chatting. I felt like my throat was clogged up for some time. There were two women in the shop talking in English & I tried to hear them although they were very quiet. After paying I started to get teareyed & for the first time the thought of crying in public did not make me feel ashamed. I don't feel twenty and I don't think I look twenty, but I am content—happy in a quiet way. I am loved. I'm glad to be alive.

After hearing IVy sing Auld Lang Syne I cried like a baby.



29th March, 2025 — new beginnings, bitter ends

Holding back a cry feels the same way as holding a champagne bottle ready to explode, quivering between my hands, just like my lips. Still, I did not cry and tears never left the edge of my eyeline to run across my cheeks. There's no redness maring my face, for I put on makeup before leaving the apartment. I feel better by now, though my vision is still wet at the borders. The talk in the car was weighted, bare and naked. Dad does not know how to react to me crying, I could tell. He was not uncomfortable in a way that urged me to stop speaking, no, just by the situation itself. Or maybe I'm reading things wrong.

He was surprised when I said what I said; of what she had done, as if he wasn't there that day, or as if I didn't scream the same words at his face before. It made things better and worse, a knife you leave inside your guts in fear of bleeding out—by forgetting such a cruel situation, he stated how unimportant it all was on his eyes; by staying unchanged, it showcased how he could've changed if he hadn't let it go from his memory. My body feels like a wet rag.

—

Today we reunited Pakkun the cockatiel with his family. He wasn’t living his best life here with us, spending most of the time inside a cage, alone. The place which we left him in has a great enclosure where he can fly and interact with other birds— an arara, two peacocks & a lot of cockatiels—sunbathe and stretch his wings. I hope he’s happy there—he was out of his cage pretty fast and kept screaming at the other cockatiels, who were my uncle’s, on the way up the hill. The place is a huge colonial farm turned into an adventure ecopark, old architecture remaining, with activities like fishing, zip line, kayaking and interaction with animals like cows and goats.

We stayed at my Uncle’s for an hour after, and then I drove back home—after Dad did a mock prayer. I like the newfound time we spent just the two of us in the car. We talk a lot, like when I asked him if he’d like the surname Worm. I have to study. Tomorrow I will go to the beach earlier, even if it rains.



24th March, 2025 — movie night

I'm practically brain dead, but I have to study because I've been lying down since I got home.

Yesterday I remembered that time during a holiday when we and my Aunt Bel and her children were staying at the resort and decided to watch an action film that I can't remember the name of. It was after midnight and her daughter, who is only six, was asleep. She and I were on an air mattress and my brother and cousin were on the sofa. Then we saw a cockroach coming towards us and started screaming to find it, but it had gone under the sofa. The boys got the gal to say they'd seen it before, but didn't say anything because of the film. Of course they didn't! They weren't the ones on the floor. We spent at least thirty minutes looking for it and found another three cockroaches...The worst/best part was that the film had ten minutes left when we paused it. We finished it all on the couch, like sardines, too scared of the floor, with our feet up.



12th March, 2025 — what a week, huh?

This week has been very busy. My college classes started on Monday and I was almost late for the lecture hall because Mom couldn't find a place to park near the train station. Yesterday we had to take Benny to the vet because he had an infected gland, but luckily he's improved and probably won't need surgery, although he was tricked into taking the medicine with his lunch. The last few days have been full of getting up early, going to the train/subway, van, class, van, train, car, lunch and sleeping through exhaustion - I haven't had time to do anything else. Today at least school finished early, at 10am, but Dad had to rush off and couldn't have lunch with me because Mom is in hospital. She had to repeat her operation from last month and decided to stay in hospital for another day, which annoyed my dad as he has to be home for work. Also, for the first time I decided to cut off meat during lent. It's been an experience.

So now I'm alone in the flat with Benny. It's probably not going to be possible to go cycling today or to the local gym, which I've been planning for a week, because of the constant rain. I got mud all over my shoes and trousers as I left the station, but at least I managed to get a seat on the van, unlike Monday when I had to wait for the second round. Now I know which train to take to get there early, and the silence and air conditioning are nice when you ignore the lack of sleep. I have to stay awake if I don't want to miss my stop.

At the college, the classes so far have been pretty introductory, but the people I've met so far are nice. Today, in the van, I started talking to a girl, Camila, who's been with me for half the train/subway ride, and we talked about the kinds of books and series we like and what we think of the teachers so far. It was nice. In class, the teacher made us introduce ourselves and say why we chose the course. Unfortunately, I hate introductions because they make me super nervous and I don't really know what to say. I ended up talking about my experience of jailbreaking my 3ds, my cousin who's doing a PhD in cs, and my web design here, where I only know html and css.

I'm physically and mentally very tired and my phone is still having problems with the humidity and refusing to charge. I haven't had any sailing lessons this week and I'm not going to—we'll have to reschedule them for Thursday and the weekend. All in all, I'm very very tired—but still alive.